He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
