They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
