There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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