I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
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Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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