You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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