I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
