Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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