I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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