I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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