I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
