I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
