oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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