Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
