You can't special order awesome
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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