She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
