A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
