Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
