The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
