I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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