My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
