i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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