I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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