I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
