Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
