I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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