it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
