this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
