Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
