She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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