i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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