I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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