she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
