I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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