But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
