I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
