would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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