i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
