Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
