I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
