Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes