Me too!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
