Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
