Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
