; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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