sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
