I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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