Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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