so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
