My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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