Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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