We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
