I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
