ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize