I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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