Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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