I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
