I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
