Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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