guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
