I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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