I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
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In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
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Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b