at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im so drunk with asians
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
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I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?