so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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