I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
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Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
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